she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
