Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
