and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I was not drunk enough for that final.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
