There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
