Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
