You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
