Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
She even gives head with a lisp.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.