Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.