god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
