his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You ate ashes out of my bong
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
