He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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