She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
