he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
