Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
