Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Randomize
