Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
