1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
