I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
