I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Randomize
