yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
