Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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