i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
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question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
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she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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