All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
