Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
