god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
