pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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