so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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