my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
