I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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