I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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