can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
