I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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