Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
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I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
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He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water