It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
