hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You're a waste of cheezeits
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
