God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
