It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
tell me about the eggs
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
