I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
