Can Purell be used as lube?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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