weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
