I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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