Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
