I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
