'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
