i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
