The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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