dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Randomize
