Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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