Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
