i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
