I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
