I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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