this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
