Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
