i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
My life is pants optional.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
