I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
