sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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