Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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