i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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