Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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