I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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